英語小短文笑話篇一：英語短文笑話全集

英語短文笑話

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網(wǎng)

"你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發(fā)問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老師

9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里。

"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。

"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his

classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the

thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考試

在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。

這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？

尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.

"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

距事故的距離

一個木匠為一個目擊的事故做證詞.法官問他與事故發(fā)生地方的距離有多遠.

這個木匠回答道:"27英尺6.5英寸遠."

"什么?你怎么對這個距離如此肯定?"這個法官問道.

"噢,我知道有些白癡會問我,所以我測量了一下."這個木匠回答道.

稱重

An irritated woman burst into the baker's shop and said:"I sent my son in for 2 pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied:"Ma'am, I suggest you

weigh your son."

一個女人怒氣沖沖的闖進面包店，說：“今早上我讓我兒子買了2磅的餅干，但是當我稱它們的時候卻只有一磅了。我覺得你的稱有問題”。面包師鎮(zhèn)定的看了看女人，說：“女士，我覺

得您該回去稱一稱您的兒子”

Trouble you again

A robust-lookinggentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

再次麻煩你

一個看起來很健壯的紳士在一個很貴的餐廳吃完精致的早餐并且喝了一些拿破侖白蘭

地。然后他叫來服務生領班，“你還記得嗎？”他愉快的說道，“大概一年以前，我在這里像這樣就餐，然后因為我付不起帳，你把我想乞丐一樣扔進排水溝里”

“非常抱歉先生”后悔的服務生領班說道。

“噢，那非常不錯”這個客人道，“但是 我恐怕還得再麻煩你一次�！�

詞匯：1、gutter n.排水溝，臭水溝；2、bum n. 二流子，乞丐；3、headwaiter n.領班

丈夫和妻子

Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something. It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 妻子：你給男人說點事，他左耳朵進，右耳朵出。(轉身就給忘了)

丈夫：你給女人說點事，她兩個耳朵都聽進去了，可是從嘴里出來了。

你吹牛吧！

The little John taught his parrot to speak "follow me to say that I can walk."

"I can walk." said the parrot following.

"I can speak."

"I can speak." The parrot simulatedas almost the same as he did.

"I can fly."

"You talk big." The parrot said without thinking for a while.

You talk big

小約翰教他的鸚鵡說話“跟我說，我會走路."

"我會走路”鸚鵡跟著說。

“我會說話�！�

“我會說話�！丙W鵡模仿的和他說的幾乎一模一樣。

“我會飛�！�

“你吹牛吧�！丙W鵡不假思索地說。

相關詞匯解析：1.parrot n.鸚鵡；2.simulate vt.模仿

Five years experience and imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held."

"Well," the young man said, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

5年經(jīng)驗和豐富想像力

只上了幾周班的年輕人被叫到了人事主管的辦公室。

“這是什么意思？”主管問到“你應聘這從份工作的時候，你告訴我們，你有五年的經(jīng)驗�，F(xiàn)在

我們確發(fā)現(xiàn)，這是你的第一份工作。”

“是的”。年輕人說，“你在應聘廣告中說到，你想要的是一個有想像力的員工呀！”Proposal

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

求婚

一位非常富有的男人在他65歲的愛上了一位20歲的年輕女孩，他打算向她求婚。

“你認為如果我告訴她我現(xiàn)在45歲她會答應嫁給我嗎？”他問他的一個朋友。

他的朋友回答：“如果你告訴她你現(xiàn)在90歲的話，你成功的機率會更大�！�

相關詞匯解析：1.proposal n.求婚；（還有建議，提案等，之前有學過了，大家還記得嗎？）

2.enormously adj.巨大的，龐大的；

３.contemplate vt. 預期，計劃

We Left Nothing

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the

milkman on the door:

NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING.

When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house

ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!

We Left Nothing

布朗太太這天出門，走之前在門上訂了個便條給送奶工：

屋里沒人，什么都不用留。

晚上當她回家的時候，她發(fā)現(xiàn)她的門已經(jīng)被砸開，屋子被洗劫一空。

在她留的便條上，她發(fā)現(xiàn)被加一行留言：

謝謝！我們什么都沒留下！

遲了四十年

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the

doorbell. He staggeredoff the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous

young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years

too late."

遲了四十年

一老頭睡得正香，突然被門鈴聲驚醒了，于是他緩緩地從沙發(fā)走向門口。開門一看，是一個

年輕美麗的女人。

“天哪，我找錯地方了”，少婦驚呼。

“寶貝，你沒走錯，你只是遲了四十年�！崩先苏f道。

相關詞匯解析

1. stagger vi.搖搖晃晃,蹣跚而行

2.gorgeous adj.華麗的，秀色可餐的，極好的

3.exclaim vi 驚叫，呼喊

英語笑話短文

Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

豬還是女巫

一個男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個女人相向駕車而來。他們相遇時，那個女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬！！”那個男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫��！”他們繼續(xù)前行。這個男的在下一個路口轉彎時，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。要是這個男的能聽懂那個女人的意思就好了。

—————————————————————————————————————————

Response Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."

Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

答問技巧

衣阿華州奧格根的一位牧師正在與一位教友為一杯咖啡而猜硬幣。別人問他那是否構成賭博行為時，牧師答道：“這僅僅是決定由誰來做一件善事的一種科學方法�！�

當我人問哲學家羅素是否愿意為了他的信仰而獻身時，他答道：“當然不會。畢竟，我可能會是錯的。”

英語小短文笑話篇二：英語短文故事(幽默笑話)

英語短文故事

短文一:

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,

"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch." 短文二：

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1million U.S.

The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

短文三：

When I take a long time, I am slow.

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.

When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.

When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. I do good, my boss never remembers.

When I do wrong, he never forgets.

短文四：

An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in

prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up (轉 載 于:m.91mayou.com 蒲 公英文 摘:英語小短文笑話)that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." 短文五:

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her

mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

短文六：

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den（私室，賊窩） . What is the big brass gong（鑼） and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?

Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!

短文七：

On her return from school，little Dolly，aged ten，was pulled on to her Daddy's knee，and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother．She see med glad，and presently said：

“Will you give me a stamp，daddy？I want to write and tell

brother Tom．”

The father was touched by this，and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother，who was away at school．Later，curious to know how she would tell the news，he took an opportunity to read what she had writen．He received something of a shock on reading the following：“Dear Tom， It's come off today．You've lost；it's a boy．” 短文八：

One evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，“Mom my， what's puberty？”My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it．

A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．“Puberty means，”announced Peggy，“the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children．”“What do you think of that？” my wife asked．

“I'm not sure，” Peggy replied．“I've always been able to bear children．It's adults I can't bear．”

短文九：

There was a small boy who had been given a little terrier for his very own，on which he bestowed the name of Paddy，and loved mightily．He was very saddened by the fact that he could

not take his pet away with him on his holidays，which he was spending with some relatives in the country．

Whilst he was away Paddy's young life was cut short by an unfortunate adventure with a motor．The boy's mother feared he would take the news very hardly on his return；she broke it very gently，therefore，and was rather surprised that the little lad did not seem much perturbed．Later，however，she heard him weeping lustily in his bed．He was inarticulate with grief，but his brother explained that he was crying“about Paddy”．“But，” said the mother，“I told him about it this morning，and he did not seem to mind！”

The brother explained，“yes，but he thought you said Daddy．” 短文十：

It was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth．

“What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met．“Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply．

英語小短文笑話篇三：英語小笑話!~

搞笑英語短文

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說�！霸俳o你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸�太那么感興趣呢？”

“她是個賣糖果的�！�

I've Just Bitten My Tongue

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

我剛咬破自己的舌頭

“我們有毒嗎？”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。

“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么？”

“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭�！�

Father's Things

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too."

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

父親的東西

湯姆.霍德華十七歲的時候，長得和父親一樣高了，于是當他晚上和朋友一起出去時，就開始借父親的衣服穿。

霍德華先生可不喜歡這樣，當他發(fā)現(xiàn)他的兒子穿他的衣服時，總是非常生氣。 一天晚上，湯姆下樓準備出去，父親在門廳里攔住了他。他細細打量著湯姆的穿著。

然后他氣呼呼地說：“湯姆，那不是我的一條領帶嗎？”

湯姆回答說：“是的，父親，是你的領帶�！�

“還有那襯衫也是我的。”

“是的，襯衫也是你的�！睖�姆回答說。

“還有呢，你連皮帶也用我的。”霍德華先生說。

“是的，父親，”湯姆回答說，“你不愿意讓你的褲子掉下來吧？”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 安眠藥

鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他開了一些強力安眠藥。

星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老板說：“我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有�！�

“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？”

Big Head

“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”

“Don't listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes” “Where's the shopping bag?”

“I haven't got one,use your hat.”

大腦袋

“所有的孩子都拿我取樂，”小男孩哭著跟媽媽說：“他們說我長了一個大腦袋。”

“別聽他們的，”他媽媽安慰說：“你的腦袋長得很漂亮。好了，別哭了，去商店買10磅土豆來�！�

“購物袋在哪？”

“我沒有購物袋，就用你的帽子吧�！�

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

班和笨驢

格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：“勞里教授今天不見他的班級�！�

一個學生讀了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。

后來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l(fā)”(ass：笨驢)。 Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."

抄 襲

我有個朋友在圣路易斯的華盛頓大學教歐洲歷史，他說有一次他發(fā)現(xiàn)了一篇抄襲的學期論文。他把那個學生叫到了辦公室。“這不是你寫的，”他說，“有人幫你從百科全書上原封不動地打印了下來。”

“你沒有證據(jù)�！蹦菍W生氣急敗壞地說。

我朋友笑了，他把論文拿給他看。用紅筆圈出來的是：“也可參閱共產(chǎn)主義一文。”

Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the

elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."

美 德

獲取研究生學位多年以后，我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯里很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說自我在那里當學生起，20年來電梯一直沒有換過。

最后當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑�！澳銜�拿到學位的，親愛的，”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是一種美德�！�

Difference

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

區(qū) 別

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區(qū)別開來，”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說�！拔艺f‘下午好’，本科生們回答說‘下午好’。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上�！�

Flunking Math

My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State

University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.

"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"

"And just what does this mean?" I asked.

"I'm flunking math," he replied.

數(shù)學沒及格

我兒子是印第安那市曼西爾波州立大學的學生，大學一年級就上了系主任的名單。第二年他學心理學，剛幾個星期他就給家里打了個電話。

“媽媽，”他激動地說：“我找到了如何在大學里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分數(shù)，而是具備將學到的知識應用于日常生活的素質。我很幸運地有了這種奇妙的經(jīng)歷。”

“你到底是什么意思？”我問道。

“我數(shù)學沒及格�！彼�回答說。

Part-time Job

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.

"How was your first day?" I asked.

"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?"

業(yè)余工作

我兒子在一所中學讀二年級時，在一家超級市場找到了一份包裝商品的業(yè)余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。

“第一天感覺如何？”我問。

“好極了，爸爸�！彼�答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”

由于斯蒂芬不善言談，我問道：“你跟他們說了些什么？”

“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝？”

Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

鑰匙還是接吻

我的一位朋友在給一個成人學生班級上英語課。他們都是新近來美國生活的。在一張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之后，他請全班同學給他挑出尺子，書本，鋼筆等。課進行得井然有序，學生們對自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認真。后來輪到一名來自意大利的學生，我的朋友說：“給我鑰匙�！蹦侨丝雌饋矸浅３泽@，也有點手足無措�？吹竭@種情況，我的朋友想是他沒有聽清楚，于是又重復了一遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位意大利學生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。

Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself." 自己做好準備

校園里流傳著這樣的故事：一個學生一次給父母拍了一份電報，上面寫著：“媽媽－我所有功課都不及格，被學校開除。讓爸爸做好準備�！�

兩天以后，他收到了回電：“爸爸已準備好。你自己做好準備吧!”

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